


Sleepwalking

by tenmillionotters



Series: Deep Sleep [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, F/M, Human AU, Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-17 01:20:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11265009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenmillionotters/pseuds/tenmillionotters
Summary: After not needing therapy in years, Touka returns to the 'Lighthouse' to seek help after the loss of the two people who meant the most to her, but the past isn't something she can easily bury, it's still alive and breathing, always around.





	1. Therapy session 1: Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a one shot but now it has 3 single chapter ;; I hope you like it!

“It's a surprise to see you again, Mrs. Kaneki… Or would you prefer it if I would call you by your maiden name?”, the man leaned back and took another look at his notes, “The last time you came here you were only 19 years old, we talked about your father back then, didn't we? … I would love to say it's good to see you again, but nobody ever comes here because they only want to chat.” 

Touka felt a stinging pain in her chest and a sinking feeling in her stomach, he was right. The lighthouse wasn't a place anyone would go because they were happy and content with their life, they came here to seek help, “I hope we won't have to perform any of your tests this time…” 8 years have passed since she had last seen him, he aged well, there was no denying that he was an attractive man… he also seemed to have overcome his negative stance when it came to marriage, judging by the small platinum ring on his finger. 

At least one thing they had in common. 

“I don't think it's necessary this time, you'll be honest with me from the start, won't you? It seems as if you know exactly why you're coming here again, so tell me all about it,” he checked the small recorder that was lying on top of the desk that was sitting between them again, “So?” 

“It's because of my husband,” she looked up, seemingly uncomfortable as months ago it was a topic she enjoyed bringing up in conversations but now it made her feel sick in her stomach, “You see… I suppose you read the newspapers and know the TV reports -” 

“Miss Kirishima… please. It won't help either of us if you want me to play guessing games, I need your version of the story or I won't be able to help you.” 

He was right, of course he was because in the end he was only doing his job, “I met him shortly after we ended therapy… it was… at first I didn't know what to think of him. Ken was so shy, always hiding behind his books, I wouldn't even dare to think of him as a man of his profession. He's a detective…” 

It seemed as if Dr. Marude was still seemingly unimpressed, he knew that she was just hedging but you couldn't start a story in the middle just because it was convenient for the listener, “... but I gave it a chance, I just had a good feeling about it, about him.” 

A small smile formed on her lips, she gazed out of the window, almost as if she wanted to forget why she was talking about him in first place, “You said I should let go of the old pain… start over new, bury whatever remained of my father and I did. For the first time in my life I felt free and this freedom meant loving Ken and I… I still do.” 

What followed was a long pause, she felt choked up. Saying these words meant admitting that she knew that something was going horribly wrong, it meant giving into reality and waking up from a pleasant dream, “Everything went downhill when he decided to chase down this serial killer, I told him I don't want him to but he was so incredibly persistent, putting his job above everything else and… who am I to stop him? I didn't want our relationship to be ruined because of something I regarded as trivial…” 

“Trivial…?”, she was still as naive as she was 8 years ago. Who would call things like that trivial? After all she was talking about a serial killer. Despite him saying he needed her side of the story, he of course knew the details. It was a sad story, it had been all over the news for months and only ended when two more lives were taken, one of them was Miss Kirishima’s husband. 

“I thought it would be over quickly, you know like all the things you see on TV but when this child got abducted it felt as if reality started to crumble, everything was falling apart. You know, the victims he picked used to be random but one thing they had in common were that it were always adults. During the time that Ken took the case… before it even… we talked about raising a child together, we were ready but then he killed this child as if he were to mock Ken… as if he was saying, hey look, I know what you think, I can destroy your happiness before it even formed!” 

At this point she felt her hands shake and her eyes water, he let her cry, he always did. She was his last patient for the day, as usual, so it didn't matter that they took longer. Not longer than needed, he was professional after all he had to be, but that didn't mean he was heartless.

“And so he abducted 4 children. 3 died. The fourth survived because Ken gave his life to protect it… whatever happened that day… they took it to their graves. The little girl died of shock later on… but is it cruel of me to say I am glad she did? I mean, whatever it was that she saw must have been horrible… whatever he put her through.” 

Silence spread through the room, what was there more to say? This wasn't the last time she'd come here, Touka was certain of it and so was Dr. Marude. They quietly watched the sun set. 

“Congratulations on the marriage, Itsuki,” weren't they friends by now? After hours and hours she spent here opening up to him, after all the times he watched her cry. They trusted each other, he cared about her, it wasn’t like he ever said it but his words and actions were enough for her to know it. 

“Thank you, Touka,” a wide smile formed on his lips, how unusual… but not unpleasant, he looked so kind, “It was… surprising, even for me. My husband and I were friends for ages, one day he just proposed to me. It’s not… how it’s properly done I know that and I also remember what I told you about marriage years ago, but things change, don’t they?” 

“They do,” But often not for the better. 

“I think that’s enough for today, you need rest. Souta is still at the reception, you can make another appointment, we’ll leave after you so take your time.” They both stood up and Touka felt her legs shake, she was slowly walking to the door before she turned around one last time. Itsuki looked at her, anticipating what she had to say. 

“Thank you.” 

The drive back home was empty, black. A void. What was everyone else doing right now? Her uncle started dating one of Ken’s nurses, he always spent so much time by his side and then they met, he was younger than Renji, a very energetic but nice person. They did what they could for Ken… a wound to the head was such a delicate and sensitive thing. She didn’t blame them for what happened to her husband, after all they did what they can and she was more than just grateful for that. 

There were no lights burning in the house, why would they even? She was alone now, maybe she should just eat something and then go to bed. When she was still a married woman, she spent a lot of time just lying on the sofa, waiting for her husband to come back home after a long shift at work. They’d eat dinner together, laugh and chat. 

She used to be a teacher, she loved children… now she couldn’t stand being around them anymore. Everytime she saw one it reminded her of what happened 3 years ago, she felt empty and numb, there was no way that she could continue her work when she couldn’t stand being around something she used to love so dearly. 

Her hands searched for the light switch in the dark, when she found it the bright and cold light burned in her eyes, made her tear up. That’s what she told herself to say the least, it was easier to pretend that she didn’t cry because of the pain in her chest. This place used to be a home, a happy place she couldn’t wait to return to, now it was nothing more but… functional. It wasn’t warm, it wasn’t welcoming. 

Back then she still put effort into the meals she prepared, now all she wanted was something fast that filled her stomach at least for a little while. The noises she made seemed to have caught his attention and she cursed under her breath. 

“Is something wrong, Touka?” He smiled at her, a little shy and a little nervous. He never liked it when people got angry and the worst was that he always knew when something was off. 

“No… no it’s okay, Haise, I just burned my hand on hot china that’s all.” Instead of facing him she just stared at her meal. She hated looking at him, she didn’t want to look at him at all. 

“Oh… please be more careful next time. I… uhm… I'll go back to bed then, good night,” did he do something bad? For some reason she was always distant when she was around him, other times there was this sadness in her eyes when she looked at him, this desperation, like she wanted to tell him something badly but didn’t know how. But they only just met a few months ago… what was there that she wanted to tell him? He was paying his rent, he wasn’t loud, but maybe she needed the house for herself now. 

Haise wouldn’t mind if she did, he’d leave and find a new place to live, maybe she found someone she wanted to live with. It was odd, there were picture frames filling the house but they were all empty, he heard that Touka’s husband had died but still leaving empty picture frames in their old places wasn’t something people usually did. 

Ah, he shouldn’t judge her, he couldn’t even imagine how it must feel to lose someone one loved so dearly and be certain they would never come back. 

Just one bite, she wanted to eat just one bite but after seeing him it was hard. Should she call him…? Her hands were shaking as she pulled her phone out of her pocket, she was shaking, crying. It took a while until he picked up, he sounded surprised. 

“Touka? Touka what’s wrong?” 

“…,” she slowly slid down the counter until her body slowly collapsed on the kitchen floor, “I can’t do this anymore… I can’t stand being in this house anymore… uncle I don’t want to be around him…”

“... do you want me to take him in? We wouldn’t mind, the house is two big for two people and a cat anyway.” 

“No, I can’t put my burden on you…,” Touka sniffled and sat up, “I did this to myself, I can’t just back out of it now… right?” Not that she wanted to abandon Haise, she knew that there was no where he could go and nobody he could ask for help, as much as she hated it, she was all that he had. 

“We can take him in for a few days if you want, take him on a trip or something…” 

“Thank you uncle… but… I think I’d miss him too much,” the young woman laughed bitterly and rubbed over her belly, “Can I call you back later? I need to eat something.” 

“Of course you do, take care okay? I love you.” 

“I love you too, thank you… tell uncle Itou I said hi,” her food was already cold but she didn’t mind, it was bland, tasted like nothing but texture. While she ate she choked and coughed, this was bad, so bad… it reminded her of the times when her family of 3 was still okay… when they were still okay…


	2. Therapy session 2: Insomnia

“You didn’t come alone today, did you?” 

His features had softened a bit since the last time they saw, he looked so relaxed, it seemed like married life was something he truly enjoyed, there had been a time when she was just like that too, “He wanted to tag along… he’s worried about me, but he couldn’t really tell what I was going to do here.” 

“Well, I hope that he is aware that I won’t be able to tell him anything about you, that’s confidential. … but on the topic of Haise, I would like you to tell me more about your relationship,” Dr Marude made a gesture to let Touka know she should speak up, maybe something he picked up on the studies abroad. 

“What is there to tell… we live together, he is… friendly to me, but I just can’t bring myself to… open up to him, there is something about him I just can’t stand, it makes me angry it appals me,” did she really feel so disgusted by him? “It’s not because he’s a bad person or anything, no it’s me -”

“Touka,” he sighed and leaned forward, looking into her eyes with a stern but sincere expression, “None of this is your fault. It’s only natural to react like that considering what Haise symbolises to you, it wasn’t an easy transgression… from grieving your husband's death and the miscarriage… to taking care of a total stranger. If you allow me to tell you my honest opinion on the matter…”

“Sure, go ahead…” 

“... let him go, this isn’t right for either of you,” the words were so softly spoken, drenched in compassion and worry, he understood her not only because he had to, but because he cared for her. 

“But I-”, she knew he was right, without a doubt, of course he knew what he was talking about, but why did it hurt so bad? Just the thought of letting him go? “I can’t live with him but I also can’t let him go - he’s all that’s left of …” 

How many hours had already passed with her just crying trying to figure out what to do next, while he was just sitting in his chair, watching her, letting her cry in peace? This place created such a warm and welcoming environment, it wasn’t as warm as a home or as safe… but it radiated this calm sense of compassion, it was okay to cry here, nobody would ever know. 

“... thank you…,” Touka vibed over her eyes and glanced at the clock, “... see you next week?” 

“I am sure Souta can find a spot for you, … Touka, what I said earlier, the decision is yours but please do what is best for you, not for him. Sometimes you have to be selfish in order to protect yourself,” Itsuki sighed and placed his hand on her shoulder, “I know you’re strong, but you need to rest too.” 

“... thank you…,” there was nothing she could say, she knew he was right, he knew what he was talking about but he also knew how stubborn she was, oh so stubborn. 

“Doctor!”, Haise jumped up and dropped the magazine he was reading, the noise came to much displeasure of the receptionist Souta and the cat, his assistant receptionist, who both exchanged questioning and annoyed looks, “I’m sorry - it’s so good to finally meet you! I’m Sasaki Haise, I am Touka’s roommate.” He bowed deeply and then smiled warmly at the man. 

“The pleasure’s mine, I’m Marude Itsuki… as you already know Miss Kirishima’s doctor,” it sent a shiver down Touka’s spine to hear him talk like that again, he sounded so formal and distant, well… of course he did, he didn’t know Haise personally. 

“Thank you for taking such good care of my Tou- … Miss Kirishima,” he bowed again and then started to search for his car keys blindly, “I-I I’ll be waiting in the c-car Touka.” 

They quietly watched him leave before Itsuki turned to Touka, “... so that’s him, huh?” He wouldn’t mention the slip, why should he? It would only do more harm than good anyway. 

“Yeah…,” her mouth felt numb, as if her tongue was swollen and heavy, she walked over to Souta and smiled tired, “I need an appointment for next week…” While he was busy checking the calendar she took the time to pat the friendly black cat, “Hey there Kimchi…” The little guy purred pleased and rubbed his head against Touka’s hand. 

“Is Wednesday at 7 pm okay?”, a few strains of long black hair feel into his face as he tilted his head waiting for an reply. 

“Yes, that’s fine with me,” even though she always set a reminded in her phone, she let Souta press a small piece of paper into the palm of her hand, “Thank you. Sorry for making you wait again. Good night.” 

“Good night, Touka-chan!”, Souta waved lightly, but he noticed that his brother-in-law didn’t respond at all, “Itsuki, is everything okay?” 

“... what do you think about the two of them, do you think this will end… well?” 

“You know, I only wish the best for Touka-chan,” he lowered his gaze and stared at his hands, “But when I am honest I don’t think this whole ordeal will have a happy end. The world doesn’t work like that… sadly. No matter how much you love someone, sometimes they’re just out of touch, no matter how close…” 

“Mhm… now, enough of that let’s go home, your brother is waiting for us,” maybe he shouldn’t have asked something like that in first place, the poor kid had enough worries already. 

Touka’s steps were light as she ran down the stairs, she didn’t want it to end, she didn’t want to see Haise right now, if she could she would have asked him to leave on his own and then she’d just spent the night somewhere else, maybe at the docks in the harbor, all by herself… but she couldn’t do that, she couldn’t stay away from him for too long. 

Haise threw his head back and sighed, why did he say something like that infront of an audience…? His Touka? His? What in the world got into him? Should he apologise for that…? It wasn’t appropriate of him to say something like that especially not considering that he was talking about a widow. 

… but most of all, he didn’t have a right to speak of her like that when he was the one who rejected her months ago; could he blame himself for it though? Probably not. He barely knew her and her advances were overwhelming, but telling her that he didn’t even have an idea who she was seemed to have made a switch turn in her mind, she got distant, she apologised to him. Now he missed it, her kindness, her warmth, he was just scared to be a replacement for her dead husband, but Touka wasn’t a person like that… and now there was no way to ever go back, or…?

“Sorry that I made you wait,” Touka sat down and fixed her shirt, “Are you hungry? We can drop by an fastfood place, whatever you feel like… I don’t want to cook tonight. I just want to eat and then sleep.” 

“... y-yeah, we can just get some KFC…” 

Was something wrong? This wasn’t like Haise at all, but then again, she wasn’t in the place to ask any questions. It was none of her business, she was nothing but a stranger to him after all. 

“Do you want to watch a movie…?”, it took him a while to speak up, but when he finally did it felt like a burden was lifted off him at the same time his anxiety kicked in, what would she think of him now? 

“I am not in the mood to hang out,” Touka laughed and sighed, “Maybe tomorrow, I can ask my friends if they’d like to join, we could all go to the movies and spend some time in the city afterwards, only if you want to of course.” 

“Sure! Sounds great…,” so much for the idea of making it a romantic date, yeah sure… as if she’d ever spend time with him alone out of her own free will; it was a start though, wasn’t it? “I’m looking forward to it.” 

“Me too,” the aspect of not having to endure it alone was what gave her enough strength to stomach the thought that she’d be alone with him, “Wait… what… day is it tomorrow?” 

“Tuesday… Oh! You… meant the date, the 23rd why?”, was it some kind of special day; did he miss something? 

“... I am sorry, but I think we can’t go to the movies tomorrow…” 

Every 23rd of the month was somewhat dreadful to her, but this one was especially bad. It only marked another year she had to live without the love of her life and their child, she still remembered the night that her husband's colleagues were standing in front of her door, pale and shaking. Their eyes were swollen, red and filled with despair, she knew what they were going to say but she didn’t want to hear it. 

No apology, no explanation, nothing would ever be able to heal the pain she felt in the moment they told her that the operation failed. Ken wouldn’t come back to her, never again. She remembered that everything went blank, but she heard that she went berserk, she screamed and cried, woke up in a hospital with a hollow feeling in her stomach. 

The numbness spread through her entire body, consumed her. They said they’re sorry, but they have bad news about the baby, she knew it already, oh God, why did they have to say it? “It’s gone, it’s dead isn’t it?”, she laughed after saying it, oh the irony, in that night she not only lost her husband but also her child. 

“Let’s go out some other time Haise…,” it was merely a whisper, she let her fingers trace the marks the rain left on the car window on this clear and warm night.


	3. Therapy session 3: Sweet dreams

“Goodnight!”, Touka waved goodbye and didn’t look back, this time she felt better about going home, should she call Haise and ask him what he’d like to eat for dinner? No, maybe she should surprise him. He wouldn’t notice that she came home a bit later than usual, their therapy sessions always took a bit longer. 

Make peace with the past don’t live in it, it was something Itsuki had told her after she mentioned her baby again. Yes, she had to leave whatever remained of the past behind and try to live on, at least for now… it was hard to say that she would never look back or feel this dread and pain thinking about it, but she would at least try to start over again. 

With or without Haise by her side… 

She wasn’t sure if she had it in her heart to ever love another man, Ken was the one she gave the promise to to love him until she’d die, which she would always do without a doubt but would letting another man into her heart mean she betrayed him…? 

Why did these thoughts come at the worst times? Didn’t she want to buy dinner for them? Touka laughed and wiped over her eyes, she was a horrible woman… wasn’t she? Not being able to follow her own plans. 

“Haise! I’m back,” the light in the livingroom was still burning, she was convinced someone was sitting on the sofa, judging by the shadow his body casted, “... Haise?” Usually he was like a happy puppy when she came back home, following Itsuki’s advice she slowly but steadily opened up to Haise, trying to let him take the place that once belonged to someone else. 

“... you’re back, Touka…,” he slowly turned to her and smiled tired, “It’s so good to see you again.” 

What was she supposed to do now? Her body gave in and she dropped the bags she was carrying. She knew this voice this scruff, broken, voice. “... Ken… what…”, it had been months since she last heard it but it was her husband. 

“Did you miss me?”, the young man slowly stood up and walked over to her, wrapping his arms tightly around her shaking body, “Please don’t cry…” 

“I am not dreaming am I? I-It’s really you not… him?” 

“... no it’s me…”, he smiled but there was something off, “I don’t know how long I can stay now, but it’s really me.” Only now that he was able to hold her in his arms again he realised how much he missed her, but at the same time he felt the thoughts that have haunted him while he was in the coma for so long returning, weighing him down. 

“Did something happen…?”, Touka sniffled and wiped over her eyes, shortly after he woke up in the hospital he switched between his personalities more often but the more time passed, the more it seemed like Ken was lost somewhere in Haise, never to return to her ever again. 

“Well, it seems like Haise stumbled upon an old picture of us… in all the…”, he felt his body slowly giving in so he walked back to the sofa and sat down, “... the chaos I created in my own mind to forget that horrible day, you’re the key to my memories…” There was no doubt that she was, but all of these memories also brought back an unspeakable pain. 

“Then you shouldn’t be around me. I don’t want you to remember it,” was it selfish of her to send him away like this?

Ken turned to her and smiled tired, “Touka, we both know that it’s not something either of us wants, no matter what you’re trying to convince yourself of now. … what I mean is, it constructed memories around everyone, your uncles, my friend… but not you, you’ve been such a crucial part of my life… but also so deeply connected to the trauma that my mind just erased every trace of you.” 

That was exactly like him, wasn’t it? Tactless, rude, but at least he was honest, “... but I could never forget you.” 

“And I don’t want you to, but in all honesty, I am not sure if this will be just one of… a few more times for me to come back of the last time I’ll ever be able to see you… so maybe this is goodbye,” there was no denying that he looked tired, his eyes were overflowing with emotion, but it was agonising to look at him. 

“So… that means you’re going to sleep, huh?” 

“Haise is the sweetest dream I had… since a long while, I never wanted my work to ruin this…”, was it bold of him to long for her touch this one last time? “You should let go of me, Touka. Move on.” 

Move on, hm…? Maybe it would the best for both of them, letting go after holding each other one last time, moving on after sharing the same dream that connected them before they’d never see each other again. 

What kind of pain did he feel that night? That they looked into each other's eyes, their guys pointed at the other… what kind of connection did they feel? Was it something Touka would ever understand? She felt jealous of him for most of the time, this nameless killer that occupied so much of her husband’s time, that consumed him whole, heart and soul, was it love they had felt in the moment they died together? 

Was it relief? What did he fell? Was it so meaningful for Ken that he had to give up his life after all of this? Or maybe she didn’t understand. Maybe she never would. 

“Hold me closer… just this last time…”, it was hard to speak, the words dripped over her lips and he kissed them away, it had been months since they been this close, years maybe… she didn’t want to let go but he felt so distant from her, he wasn’t hers anymore. 

“Take care of him,” were the last words he said, “I’m sorry…” 

Touka felt a tight grip around her body, the warmth of another body as she slowly woke up, was it just a dream…? No, he was still lying next to her or… rather Haise was. They didn’t talk about it, they just let things be, no questions were asked, no vows exchanged. 

3 months later 

“Do you feel ready to become a mother?” 

“I was ready the first time too… but life got in the way,” Touka gently caressed her growing belly and smiled at her psychiatrist, “This time nothing will go wrong. I am sure of it.” 

Itsuki sighed and returned the gesture, “Well, I mean it’s your life. Nobody can tell you how to live it and if it feels like this is the step you need to make to recover fully, then… I hope that you will only live to see happy moments from now on.” 

“Thank you… I am sure I will, letting Ken go was probably for the best and… I mean he is still with me, always, even if I will never see him again, it feels as if I’m living in a dream that I don’t need to wake up from you know?” 

“I do, it’s late Touka, I think your boyfriend is getting impatient if he has to wait any longer,” he carefully took her hand and helped her out of her seat, “If you still need me you know where to find me, but I hope that we won’t ever have to see each other again.” 

“At least not as patient and doctor,” the young woman sighed and rubbed her lower back, “But my little one needs a godfather.” 

“Touka!”, Haise jumped up seeing his girlfriend, again much to the displeasure of Souta and Kimchi, who again exchanged annoyed looks, “Let’s go home.” 

“Yes… let’s go. Goodbye!”, holding his hand it felt as if nothing could ever ruin their dream, their shared dream that was now growing inside of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... in case of nobody getting where the references from the beginning were hinting at, this TG AU is based on Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, I am sorry if it was a bit rushed, as it said it was supposed to be a one shot but things... well... took a different direction. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it regardless!


End file.
